Regrets final? Part three

 So Many Regrets?  (Or more types and questions for reflection)

So we’re walking down the trail of tears better known  as the whiskey walkway for some and just plain the roadway or regrets for many.  the past two entries have provided  some notions of what the roots of regrets can be and some thoughts about specific kinds of regrets including  regrets about not building a set of foundational knowledge and skills and regrets about not being bold enough.  Now (using Daniel Pink’s framework) let’s highlight some other root types of regrets and introduce some more thoughts for reflection.  

“Moral” Regrets

This is fairly straightforward.  these are regrets like “I wish I wouldn’t have bullied that kid or when others did I wish I had stood up for them.   Or maybe  it’s a wish that one wouldn’t have told even that white lie or stolen that dime candy bar (that now costs a buck fifty.  In essence  these are the “I listened to the devil on my shoulder instead of the angel kind of thing.   We have all these because the list of perfect humans is noticeably short.  So upon becoming aware of these things it seems  that asking for forgiveness is in order and well just maybe forgiving  yourself might be in order as long as you plan to change  that crappy action and mean it.  

So sometimes  you can’t ask the wounded party for that ship has sailed... therefore  assume forgiveness.   What how can you assume that?   Well can you forgive someone even if they didn’t ask?  You can if you choose to and so you can assume forgiveness without a direct statement of it right/.  

“Lost Connection”.Regrets

This is...as the subtitle says... LostConnections—you know the friends/family  you don’t really connect with because the relationship was somehow left unattended and now you miss it or wish it still existed.  These are “relationships lost” regrets and social media has helped many people to “find” people again..... 

On the other hand  does social media now set up the expectation that we will be able to find anyone at most any time?   Also when we reconnect are we doing so believing the person we once lost is “the same” as they were?   

Well.... summing up these types or root causes of regrets we have foundational regrets that are emotions created because we believe we didn’t. Do something that creates the foundation for something we could do now.  We have “boldness” regrets that suggest we could have acted with less fear in situations and changed the current situation we find ourselves in.  Moral regrets are those  feelings that seem to haunt us because we acted in a less than honorable way and the guilt follows us today.  Finally  we regret losing personal connections  with “old” friends and family we might know better today if we had put energy into the relationships.   

Maybe it is helpful to name the sources of regrets so that we can ask ourselves and others the questions that will help reveal the lessons  and thus lady the wasted parts of the regret to rest.  Here are some further questions (read the two entries before as well) that may serve as avenues for revamping and revealing new paths.

First, and probably most important—

Do we constantly labor under the dubious assumption that events follow in a linear and uninterrupted cause and effect expressway?..  That is —is it really true that if we did a that each and every time b would happen just as predicted or expected.  By a show of hands who among us in 2017 predicted the COVID  experience?  In 1980 who predicted facebook, the iPhone etc.  Raise your hand if you thought  we would see the change from Vinyl  to cassette, to CD, to digital and yes back to some vinyl?  The point is.... some of the things that fill our lives today were not predictable let alone predicted by us and there is no reasonable expectation that we should have been able to do that.   Yet... we somehow continue to feed regrets thinking “if I had only done x....”.  

Can you change your present and your future with the way you act right now?  Yep...if you plant enough seeds in enough places....some of them are likely to become apple trees and some of them are likely to have apples, however  to assume which of those apples become cider, apple sauce, or wind up in Aunt Martha’s blue ribbon apple pie  during the 2049 Henry County Fair would be folly.  Yet we do this regrets all the time.   

As for feeling guilty about something we aren’t proud of doing or not doing.... The previous post mentioned forgiveness and this is truly important. In all directions—forgive each other and ourselves.... do unto others.... Oh and remember....

HUMAN BEINGS ARE NOT PERFECT!

Sometimes the choices we  make are between seemingly two rotten options or flawed options and it is easy to retrofit one of the options as better after the fact.   There is no claim that we as in I make selfish fearful and hateful choices, however, life has lots of choices to make so if we learn some mistakes we will have a chance to experiment  and make some other  types of choices soon and maybe that’s what is being suggested.... experiment with other choices...may they lead to some regrets....(read the above)...it’s not linear.  

Now let’s look at relationship regrets..... aren’t they all?  Regrets are  with one’s own expectations or between two or more individuals.   If you develop some plans to change and then change why let the regrets stick to you like that bit of pancake syrup you get on you somewhere  anytime you are within four nautical miles of IHOP?  Do we expect our friends, family, and lovers to carry all the regrets of the known universe around with them for eternity?  Do we want  all mistakes to become mythical misery for everyone forever and what type of dreadful existence would that create?  

This might sound cold but how many Cadillac’s can you drive at once or how many great friendships can. You have and be fully engaged in?  Do you have enough time and energy to be great friends and partners with all the people you once knew and will know?   Sure  it’s not a bad idea to reach out to people you once knew and every now and then (quite rarely) you will find  a person from your past has turned into a wonderful witty, wise, human that you are now fortunate to connect with.  Sometimes however, you will be reminded  that the reasons you let relationships lapse still exist or in some cases exist with a vengeance.  

So to sum this last three entries up in a couple sentences.   

Regrets aren’t big black clouds that just hover around.  They can be analyzed and the lessons  can be extracted if you ask questions.   Sometimes we get to the core notions that we expect things to be within our control and that what we do causes predictable things to happen.  At times we find out that we are not  at the center of the known universe waving our baton and having the fates play our symphony.  Forgiveness can be the duct ape for many things we regret and for healing the cracks that might lead to further regrets hanging on.  Sometimes we have to push a little  harder and with a little less fear because in my memory I’ve never seen a tombstone or obit that said “I wish I’d been a little more afraid  to sing my song, dance my dance or smile in the sunshine.