ASKING FOR HELP WITH PEACE AND JOY
Okay I said this would be a trilogy and this is the third entry…. well.. I am learning from friends and readers ( some of these are the same people) that human interactions connected to asking and offerring help is far more troublesome or at least complicated than I originally imagined. How did I miscalculate? Well that’s simple—-I’m neither good at asking for help or consistent in the way I offer it. This creates anxiety more frequently than I realize. Well of course I started writing about this because I know I’m not good at it…but I wasn’t as aware of how tricky this is for some of us. So… getting to the point—there will be more musing about this in the future… but for now here comes part three as originally planned.
How to Say Yes by Saying No when asking for and being asked for help…(didn’t I just say this was complex?)
Some of us don’t ask for help because we know that there is an expected shift in the relationship when we accept it. For example, as someone who doesn’t drive who gets asked if I want a ride when I’m a block from my destination….. I will often say no because saying yes means losing some independence not only in my mind but also often for the person who offers the ride. I know that sounds far fetched to some readers…but I’ve experienced it enough to know that the one block ride then turns into “ I’d better ask that guy who has a hard time getting anywhere or everywhere if he needs another ride… and then I’m in the “dependent person” category for —well pretty much forever. That is just too high a price to pay for a ride for a block or two.
So asking for help becomes a sticky proposition about making that decision for me and a lot of other people too.
So all that probably confuses the person who offers me help and doesn’t really think of it that way at all…. they are just trying to be nice… and some of them are and I owe them all an apology—I am sorry.
Okay let’s move forward… I really wanted this third section to be about why sometimes when people tell you “no” when you ask for help it is really them asking you for help…what?????
Consider that they are asking you to understand one of two important things.
First, they may be telling you they are unable to help in the way you are asking and they do not want to disappoint you. So they are respecting you by saying no. They might not have the passion needed to perform what you want in a way that matches or respects your purpose. They are not rejecting you they are respecting you.
Second, they may have to say no because saying yes means saying no to their own calling… Now that sounds selfish—-but would you ask the best singer in your favorite band to play the drums? Would you want the singer to say yes? Sometimes when people say no to you they are tapping into the things their spirit are telling them to do. In short they are committing to use valuable time to offer their best gifts to the world.
So…. in the end saying no to something might be saying yes to something far more beautiful and saying yes to something might be saying no to something far more valuable.
Well.. Now I am going to attempt to summarize what i’ve said over the past couple days.
- When asked for help or asking for it please view it as sharing talents not a human power or status transaction.
- 2Whenever possible view asking for help or offering to give help as a chance to teach and learn from each other.
3. We all have gifts and have to make decisions about how to use them. Asking for and giving help should be about that…not about characterizing the asker or the responder.
In short, this is complex and can be messy. Working hard to create spaces for all of us to be our best is worth the effort… as they say just because it’s a simple idea doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy.
In the end… I am here to help in the ways that will respect you and provide me with peace and joy.. and am asking you only to do the same… remembering that right now I’m still a novice.
Peace to you all.
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