Friday, April 29, 2022

Moving’ On Up?


 So … I want to start with an apology.   Well…technically  I don’t “want” to, however, I feel it is appropriate—you knw it’s been a lot of days in betweeen  entries.  I’m sorry…. These things happen when you move.  Where am I now you ask…. Well that’s appropriate.  Maybe we should ask ourselves that on a regular basis in the Seeking Peace and Joy Universe.  Where am I?  Here or course!  What Time is it?  Now of course!  Where is here?   


Gaylord Michigan a New Hometown—


There will be so much to say once this has become the Seekion  Peace and Joy base for a bit longer.   For now let’s ponder the whole idea of “moving” for a few. Moments.



Why people hate to move, yet we do it constantly and sometimes without realizing it.  


Moving….


So could we say that moving is the act of taking all our stuff from one place, packing it up in places where we can’t find it just for a minute, and taking it to another place where no matter what that space looks like…it never all quite fits the way you may have imagined?   


So that raises the question “don’t we move all the time in life?”  You se when you were growing up didn’t we have some toys and and games and friendships that didn’t quite fit in other spaces as we went along?  as our body changes over time don’t we have some activities that no longer fit into our lifestyle?    Well then aren’t we moving quite often?


People and a lot of us… swear we hate to move and yet … who doesn’t think it is a good idea to take a good look at many if not all parts of your life and spending some quality time deciding what you really need moving forward and what you can leave by the curb?  


Well you say…some valuable things get broken when we move.   Well when we stay in the same place emotionally and physically do we fall out of place with changing times or do we miss out on chances to really grow?   So does that mean there are some risks in not moving?


If you believe in the notion that “wherever you go—there you are then how important is it to be internally secure rather than playing the comparing game of being defined by any number on a mailbox? 

Also when you move you take the time to reposition some big things like that hide-a-bed or the big hutch and how often might it be a good idea to reposition parts of your life like the value of friendships in relation to work or the gift of health in relation to the number of dollars in your stock portfolio?  Being forced to move some stuff around creates all types of new perspectives in rooms and in lives…. So moving well isn’t the ugly thing we make it out to be.




Like  I said before  Gaylord is the new Seeking Peace and Joy. Universe base camp and we are going to be featuring  a few things about it in the blog and podcast.  For now ask yourself if it’s time to load up the truck and move to Beverly…Hills that is…swimming pools and movie stars lol. More soon 

Monday, April 18, 2022

Regrets final? Part three


 So Many Regrets?  (Or more types and questions for reflection)


So we’re walking down the trail of tears better known  as the whiskey walkway for some and just plain the roadway or regrets for many.  the past two entries have provided  some notions of what the roots of regrets can be and some thoughts about specific kinds of regrets including  regrets about not building a set of foundational knowledge and skills and regrets about not being bold enough.  Now (using Daniel Pink’s framework) let’s highlight some other root types of regrets and introduce some more thoughts for reflection.  


“Moral” Regrets


This is fairly straightforward.  these are regrets like “I wish I wouldn’t have bullied that kid or when others did I wish I had stood up for them.   Or maybe  it’s a wish that one wouldn’t have told even that white lie or stolen that dime candy bar (that now costs a buck fifty.  In essence  these are the “I listened to the devil on my shoulder instead of the angel kind of thing.   We have all these because the list of perfect humans is noticeably short.  So upon becoming aware of these things it seems  that asking for forgiveness is in order and well just maybe forgiving  yourself might be in order as long as you plan to change  that crappy action and mean it.  


So sometimes  you can’t ask the wounded party for that ship has sailed... therefore  assume forgiveness.   What how can you assume that?   Well can you forgive someone even if they didn’t ask?  You can if you choose to and so you can assume forgiveness without a direct statement of it right/.  


“Lost Connection”.Regrets

This is...as the subtitle says... LostConnections—you know the friends/family  you don’t really connect with because the relationship was somehow left unattended and now you miss it or wish it still existed.  These are “relationships lost” regrets and social media has helped many people to “find” people again..... 


On the other hand  does social media now set up the expectation that we will be able to find anyone at most any time?   Also when we reconnect are we doing so believing the person we once lost is “the same” as they were?   


Well.... summing up these types or root causes of regrets we have foundational regrets that are emotions created because we believe we didn’t. Do something that creates the foundation for something we could do now.  We have “boldness” regrets that suggest we could have acted with less fear in situations and changed the current situation we find ourselves in.  Moral regrets are those  feelings that seem to haunt us because we acted in a less than honorable way and the guilt follows us today.  Finally  we regret losing personal connections  with “old” friends and family we might know better today if we had put energy into the relationships.   


Maybe it is helpful to name the sources of regrets so that we can ask ourselves and others the questions that will help reveal the lessons  and thus lady the wasted parts of the regret to rest.  Here are some further questions (read the two entries before as well) that may serve as avenues for revamping and revealing new paths.



First, and probably most important—


Do we constantly labor under the dubious assumption that events follow in a linear and uninterrupted cause and effect expressway?..  That is —is it really true that if we did a that each and every time b would happen just as predicted or expected.  By a show of hands who among us in 2017 predicted the COVID  experience?  In 1980 who predicted facebook, the iPhone etc.  Raise your hand if you thought  we would see the change from Vinyl  to cassette, to CD, to digital and yes back to some vinyl?  The point is.... some of the things that fill our lives today were not predictable let alone predicted by us and there is no reasonable expectation that we should have been able to do that.   Yet... we somehow continue to feed regrets thinking “if I had only done x....”.  


Can you change your present and your future with the way you act right now?  Yep...if you plant enough seeds in enough places....some of them are likely to become apple trees and some of them are likely to have apples, however  to assume which of those apples become cider, apple sauce, or wind up in Aunt Martha’s blue ribbon apple pie  during the 2049 Henry County Fair would be folly.  Yet we do this regrets all the time.   

As for feeling guilty about something we aren’t proud of doing or not doing.... The previous post mentioned forgiveness and this is truly important. In all directions—forgive each other and ourselves.... do unto others.... Oh and remember....


HUMAN BEINGS ARE NOT PERFECT!


Sometimes the choices we  make are between seemingly two rotten options or flawed options and it is easy to retrofit one of the options as better after the fact.   There is no claim that we as in I make selfish fearful and hateful choices, however, life has lots of choices to make so if we learn some mistakes we will have a chance to experiment  and make some other  types of choices soon and maybe that’s what is being suggested.... experiment with other choices...may they lead to some regrets....(read the above)...it’s not linear.  


Now let’s look at relationship regrets..... aren’t they all?  Regrets are  with one’s own expectations or between two or more individuals.   If you develop some plans to change and then change why let the regrets stick to you like that bit of pancake syrup you get on you somewhere  anytime you are within four nautical miles of IHOP?  Do we expect our friends, family, and lovers to carry all the regrets of the known universe around with them for eternity?  Do we want  all mistakes to become mythical misery for everyone forever and what type of dreadful existence would that create?  

This might sound cold but how many Cadillac’s can you drive at once or how many great friendships can. You have and be fully engaged in?  Do you have enough time and energy to be great friends and partners with all the people you once knew and will know?   Sure  it’s not a bad idea to reach out to people you once knew and every now and then (quite rarely) you will find  a person from your past has turned into a wonderful witty, wise, human that you are now fortunate to connect with.  Sometimes however, you will be reminded  that the reasons you let relationships lapse still exist or in some cases exist with a vengeance.  


So to sum this last three entries up in a couple sentences.   


Regrets aren’t big black clouds that just hover around.  They can be analyzed and the lessons  can be extracted if you ask questions.   Sometimes we get to the core notions that we expect things to be within our control and that what we do causes predictable things to happen.  At times we find out that we are not  at the center of the known universe waving our baton and having the fates play our symphony.  Forgiveness can be the duct ape for many things we regret and for healing the cracks that might lead to further regrets hanging on.  Sometimes we have to push a little  harder and with a little less fear because in my memory I’ve never seen a tombstone or obit that said “I wish I’d been a little more afraid  to sing my song, dance my dance or smile in the sunshine.   



Sunday, April 10, 2022

Wiley coyote can teach us a lot regrets part two


 What You Might Learn From Wiley Coyote-Regrets Part II


So in the previous entry we looked at regrets in general and the suggestion  was that everybody has them, however, they can be processed instead of remaining a source of constant discomfort or discontent.  The idea that most all regrets could be grouped into one of four main root types was introduced and the first of these outlined.  Foundational regrets were described as a type of regret that pretty much expressed the belief  that a person  is unhappy because  he hadn’t learned something younger that might come in handy now.  Or it might be that she wished  she had studied harder to get a better job etc…. In short actions taken in the past hadn’t formed the foundation  now needed to make some choices.  Well… we will revisit that type of regret and others  in coming days, however for now you can go back and ask yourself the questions asked if you have these types of regrets…we have a second type to cover today.

The Bold and the beautiful?


Daniel Pink in his book about the power of regrets says a second type of regret is related to “Boldness.”


If you look back and think I should have (……fill in the blank) Or “I wish I would have had the guts to……” then these are “boldness” regrets.  Here are some thoughts.


You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.  Often times when you have the courage to say out loud what you are trying to do….others will join, support, and applaud you effort and from time to time guarantee your success.  If experience is the best teacher then if you won’t chance experiencing something then you can’t learn the lessons needed to to do it.  Remember  when you learned to ride a bicycle?  It meant pedaling fast enough to keep your balance and that was scary.  Then again you learned that doing just that going faster than you were comfortable with made it easy (unless your dad didn’t explain how the brakes worked lol).  

What Wiley can teach us…


Now the arch enemy of the Roadrunner had some nefarious schemes assisted by the “Acme” company and he probably regrets investing in some of the contraptions he devised—but who wouldn’t have liked to strap on the rocker roller skates…come on?  But I digress…. 


Time after time Wiley went charging off the cliff and time after time it seemed as though he was going to bridge the chasm with ease… and then he realized he wasn’t on solid ground and halted his momentum and poof…there he went down like a stone.  You see he lost his boldness….. 


What causes us to lose our boldness?  


Well sometimes we worry about what others might think.  We don’t want others to see us fail.  Here’s the thing about that.  Most people are too busy with themselves to care about you that much.  Some of the people who do care enough about what you are doing will help as stated above and the rest really don’t have a great life if they are so worried about what you are doing.  Also if you aren’t trying something because of your ego and you are worried about what others think you have already shown your big ego by thinking  the whole world is watching..   Blessed are the meek.  

Sometimes people worry about being in the spotlight by being bold.  Again think about what happens if no one stands up and shines….. that leaves everyone in the dark.   Have you ever been to a dance where no one is dancing until two  or four people get up and risk it?   What happens?  Yep pretty soon the dance floor is full and good dancers and wannabes alike are out there having fun.  


So summarizing today

Sometimes seeking peace and joy and processing  and avoiding  regrets is like riding a bike and once you get the idea that you can deal with  a discomfort well no regrets are like riding a bike you won’t forget.


Next don’t be afraid to take the leap even when there’s not ground beneath you….but when you do carry it through and before you run for the cliff put down the anvil of hate and the past.   Oh and life is dance so grab a partner or two or three and slide to the left, slide to the right, spin around and smile because that. Is what it means to be ‘stayin’ Alive…stayin alive.”


More soon 

Thursday, April 7, 2022

Living without regrets? Part one


 IF ONLY?


Here we go down the Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda trail?  No.... over the next three posts we are going to grab the gold out of regrets and leave the sludge by the side of the road on our seeking peace and joy journey.  


So regrets?   Impossible.  If you have no regrets you have no ability to dream.     


Let’s start with “what is a regret?”  


a regret is not a mistake or a failure.  If you slip on the ice and then get up you may think you made the mistake of walking in the wrong place, but if you didn’t spill your beer or break your tailbone... you might have no regrets at all.   You see regret is an emotion.  So like almost all emotions.... and i would claim all emotions... regret is temporary.   So the power of regrets depends upon two things.   The first is how many times the events tied to that emotion comes up and second how we process them and whether we make them useful or not.  



We can drag them around or we can harvest their wisdom. If you don’t want to drag them around and answer every time they knock, then maybe the key is to understand  different types of regrets and how to rip them apart or “fix” them or at least set them free.  


however, at the risk of mixing metaphors and that’s a choice I never regret let’s say regrets generally come from not being pleased with something that already happened.  Therefore, you are moving backward to begin with and what we want is  to move forward with seeking peace and joy so how about we connect regrets with  either a bow and arrow or a slingshot?  Wither way you are pulling your thoughts and emotions  back to a past thing and then if you can let it fly with the lesson  now targeting new experiences you can move ahead stronger and faster than before so to speak.   so  have a regret—grab your weapon for moving forward.   That just may change your mind about what regrets can be.



Daniel Pink wrote this book on “The Power of Regrets.”  I’m not as uplifted about regrets as he seems to be, and yet regrets seem to be hurdles in seeking peace and joy so I’m stealing some his information  to use as tools here.   


Types of regrets


Regret is an emotion tied to four interconnected roots.  In other words there seem to be four root types of regrets and understanding them can help us get the lessons.   


Type I  “Foundational” Regrets


Do your regrets start itch the sentences 

I wish I would have studied more...

I should have learned to play an instrument like the ?

If I only would have chosen to be a  ? Way back when...


Well these  type of regrets mean you believe  you have some skills or talents missing. That could help you now and that you should have learned them earlier when you might have had the chance.  

So in seeking peace and joy we pretty much know you can’t go back—it’s not a Hansel and Grettle universe.  So the questions to ask yourself are?


  1. Given the way the world has changed since you were younger could. You have predicted what the present would be like or what the future will be like?
  2. Have you read all the predictions made in the past and have they all come true?
  3. Can you start today and use the lessons you have learned in other areas to jump start  the learning and skill development needed...in other words do you know what transfer skills and characteristics you have grown?

AND DID YOU HAVE A GROUP OF CHOICES AT THE TIME AND PICK WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS THIRD OR FOURTH. ON THE LIST OF THINGS YOU MIGHT DO?  


Well I could go into the second type of regret, however, i predict I’ve written enough for today... I think so.... but if I should have written more I won’t regret the choice tomorrow


So ... then we will go “boldly” forward.