Wedding advice five things every father of the bride should consider and some just think about

 THE FIVE MOST IMPORTANT  THINGS FATHERS OF THE BRIDE NEED TO CONSIDER….and some other information designed to put you at ease that crosssed my mind…

Right away I’m going to abandon a third person  pint of view given the fact that my daughter got married  this past Saturday and this two-part entry  is of course influenced by recent personal events and observations.  So my stream of consciousness  has very recently bubbled over the rocks of reality so to speak.  Having said this  here we go.  

The Top Five  Things To think About

The top five things for the Father of the Bride to ponder are not arranged in order of importance as the wedding experience mandates that these knowable pieces of wisdom  rise and fall in importance  depending on what’s happening.  

These are simply Five Keys to  Being the Best Father of The Bride at the Wedding

1. Enter The Wedding Event With Gratitude

First, there are all kinds of approaches to the wedding event, thousands of wedding books, wedding planners with years of experience lurk around almost every  corner, and the internet.  Couple this with the fact that your primary function  is to walk a person  down the aisle in a straight  line so that there will be no one complaining that “dear why can’t you just stop and ask someone for directions?”. The only real threat to your manhood is that some other person  is now going to be  providing love and shelter  as the primary source—officially even.   However, why gratitude?  Well unless the wedding planner. Or your wife and daughter use the Guinness book. Of World  Records  to plan you won’t really be expected to keep up with the “jones’ wedding”  After all you won’t be expected to pay  just north of 44 million dollars  in order to have the most expensive  wedding ever.  You won’t be pulling the gold fillings from your teeth to pay for a 12.2 million dollar wedding dress.  While the wedding will probably require more than a box of ding dongs or cupcakes and a fist full of twinkies the likelihood that someone will wheel in a 300 pound, eight foot tall sugar super structure is pretty low.  The reality. Is that most weddings borrow some ideas from other  weddings, however, there seems to be  a calling to make one’s wedding a unique  historic event.   

This leads to the second thing to remember and something to be thankful for…

2.Each wedding event has something  go differently from what was planned or imagined.

Perfection is never possible  when it comes to weddings  so if you can deal with the nagging control you have, then you can always  claim”this went great… even a little better than you expected.”  You also don’t have to look around to assign blame when something goes  wrong because it’s not your self-appointed  duty  to boss people around and get everything “just right.”   Now if you trip…or worse trip your  daughter going down the aisle, stop to check the football scores on your phone, or insist on wearing your Bud-Light  bandana  instead of a tie…you are going to get a few frowns.  If you race up the aisle  to ask the mother of the groom for her phone number or do the same to one or more of the bride’s maids… that’s over the  line…Even if you  spit out your Skoal on the waiting groom’s shoes…you may lose some cred, however please remember  that things will go wrong and the wedding  is probably still going to be a wonderful expression of love.

3. This is not your show.  

This is the event  for the groom and more so the BRIDE —

Sure you bought a new suit and put on your Sunday underwear, yet you will follow the seating chart, you will walk at the speed you are told, you will smile  for ALL the pictures even if you would applaud aerial  photography with a name plate on everyone’s head as an acceptable  alternative to the traditional wedding  photo poses.  If the Bride says you are having raspberry  wine coolers at the reception then forget  about the 28 keg “Hell’s Angels” shotgun wedding and rally bundle from Big Earl’s  Booze-o-Rama.  If the Bride says you are eating a lime  green tux with a checker board  pattern, you just ask how many checks per inch and whether that glows in the dark?  

Now there’s more to be said about this point in part two and beyond… so let’s give ourselves the time to reflect on  this half and come back tomorrow.  Until then find out who has the rings, what the preacher  is going to say…and words of wisdom  the father of the Bride might  offer the groom

Is it the same old story? No

 WRITE YOUR OWN STORY?

Well…. Over the last three entries we’ve looked at people and their experiences as being a function of “types or traits,” “machine-like cause and effect actions,” and growth (much like a seed that gets  nurtured and produces fruit.  We.alll have tendencies  to look at each other. In these ways from time to time and most the time it seems. Our culture and varying environments adopt  one of these in a  fairly enthusiastic manner.  Eachof these has some utility and some notable drawbacks in a changing dynamic world and human existence.  More about this shortly…however …let’s throw in one more meta perspective on humans and our experience of seeking peace and joy before  a completely inadequate conclusive summary.  

One of the largest sections in the literary  collections of some libraries and a dominant features of Wikipedia  and other encyclopedia-type references is the biography/autobiography/memoir sections.  In short we seem to be fascinated by the story of our lives.  We recount experiences in narrative  forms and when we try to make sense of a sequence of sensorial happenings—we turn to the story as the explanatory  frame.  For example our most common family story is… 

Boy meets girl Girl lowers herself to  accept a flawed mate (just kidding)  Boy and Girl fall in love and marry….. Boy and girl have  a physical relationship that creates children— Parents teach children to work hard, treat each other okay and use a spoon.  Children become adolescents and teens.  Teens eat everything  and stop listening as they attempt to teach their parents how to use current technology and well through some miracle the boy meets girl story story repeats itself.  Welll perhaps that story is breaking down a bit these  days and yet is a story our culture  promotes and subtly  or not so subtly  reinforces.  When asked to “tell us about”  someone’s life” we often use the narrative  as the organizing  format going from where someone. Was born  -the geographic context to family relationships- the social/genetic  context, the careers or vocational purpose context  and then we weave in the “Path or pattern  which can be a straight line or  it can be an overcoming  story of a story that has a generally  advancing and upward  progression or a downwards spiral.  Did you ever notice that we talk about a person spiraling out of control or in a downward spiral and yet we don’t talk  about folks that seek peace and joy , experimenting  and starting  a fresh and eventually finding some integrated value/behavior patterns as  being in an upward spiral?  

Anyway one of the most powerful aspects of using the narrative  or story way of understanding people and their experiences is that we can picture each of us as being the writer of our own stories and the “external” aspects  of life as being the contexts, the scenery, the other characters, and the plots they/we live through.  While we are all actors in each other’s Oscar winning lives only the individual gets to decide how the story goes or what the experiences mean and in seeking peace and joy that means each of us gets a lot of choices in turning horrible  instances into turning points in the epic growth  story we would rather  have.   In short in a story we can write that we got up and moved forward to a new town, a new scene, a new act in our multi-act play… In fact justloooking at experiences as a multi-facet deal can serve to make most of life  gifts that we hold temporarily in the moment.  

If we look at each other. As the writier’s of our stories we can become  a variety of characters in each other’s lives and each of us as authors  can bend the rules  of creativity in such a way that  we move  beyond the rigidity  of types, break the limits of If A happens then B will happpen, wwe can make oranges come from apple seeds, and it really only has to fit in our narrative to make sense.  

Of course this way of looking at folks has its problems.  As noted earlier we often have cultural stories that  just don’t fit what individuals authors would like to write.  For example, many people with disabilities are taught the “overcoming” their disabilities story and to take credit for doing ordinary things….which is okay except for that narrative also comes with the “bonus’ of being seen  as a tragic figure. To be pities and devalued in other ways.  In fact some folks with disabilities refer to this as “inspiration porn.”  

Well now that we’ve explored each of these ways of thinking about tend feeling. Theour experiences be those of others where do we stand?

I don’t know….

EXCEPT—

Imagine  if you are trying to help someone else reframe an experience or help yourself  align your next choice with a value you hold.  Empathy can  and self understanding  can be big weapons in that  battle and instead of having only. One lens to look through or only one lens to offer someone else you now have a pocketful.  It might not matter which one you choose to begin with just like when you go to get glasses….. you can adjust and say “is this better or worse?”  The point is not using the “right” idea…it is sharing enough ideas to have an experiences to be shared and lived  by more than  one person and more than once.  

Epilogue 

Someone asked me  which of these models I agree with the most?  Well they all work in some ways at some times however I’d say I want to be the writer of my growth story and that means those two models. Feel the most like who I am learning to become…Yet  if you want to connect with me through “type” frames or doing this leads to that thinking… I’m in that’s why a builder has more than a hammer.  

I have a daughter getting married. This weekend so upset alert  the next post might be something about  marriage and weddings?  

Make like a tree?

 AND AS WE SEW SO SHALL WE REAP? HOPING FOR LOW HANGING FRUIT?

So in the previous two entries we’ve looked at seeking peace and joy when we use “type” and ‘cuss and effect”  notions.  Each of these  models has some utility and limitations.  If these were the only two choices barriers to experimenting   With your spirit would be  restricted and the meaning you bring to the actions of others and your relationships with others  would be constricted.  So…. Let’s add some more possibilities to the arena of awareness.  

Do we “raise” children (assuming we don’t plant them too deep)?  Do we talk about development and growth?  Do we characterize  some folks as being  a real peach or a bad apple…or even the top banana?    Okay… we’re not restricting people to being fruits, yet we can think of people as life that grows from a seed, is nurtured and then blooms or ripens…. You know efforts come to fruition and people  enjoy the fruits of their labor.  Well…. Let’s look at the peace and joy implications.

If we see people as growing organisms then seeking peace and joy might become seeking  the things that make us grow stronger and live longer.  That’s why we accept a lot of fertilizer in life I suppose…. Seriously do you provide others the materials it takes for them to seek peace and joy either  with or without you.  Do you serve as a bee who collects. And shares the necessary  nectar and pollen  for all types of fellow beings to move forward?  If we see ourselves and others as growing. Things we re more likely to expect change over the course of a lifetime….yet we often expect that change to yield  a certain type of fruit after a certain number of steps.  Doesn’t that incorporate the “type” and the “machine”  notions a bit?  If growth is an expected pattern of change…. Then our tendency is probably  to establish “benchmarks” or those little lines your parents put on the door jam to mark growth…and yes these become what  is called “normal”. These  things get labeled as not only  normal they are called.average, typical, standard, ordinary, and eventually “recommended.”  A whole lot of folks feel pretty comfortable with a growth model that puts them  squarely in the mid-range.  Some shoot for better than average of course.  If we are not “normal” we often compare ourselves to what we think is normal and  make judgements  based upon that.  Well there is thins statistical  term called “standard deviation.”  This term stands for  an expected difference from the exact norm or average.  It’s the ultimate control device. S it defines  normal and then defines deviation.  Isn’t deviation supposed to be change?  Well it’s not… it’s just another defined space that assumes we have adopted  the bell curve.  It’s just another “standard measure.”  It’s an oxymoron we may as well call a standard deviation a standard variation  because it’s not really deviant…. 

Well getting out of the woods a bit for now…. 

We can look at people as  entities  that grow and look at our roles as expecting ourselves to grow and perhaps as the agents who help others grow.  The part to be aware of here is that we always expect an apple tree to produce apples… we rarely think of the trees. As a feeder for deer which we might use for food.   We wouldn’t  talk about planting a deer jerky  tree…right?  Oh well… if thinking of people and their actions. As types or like ringing bells that bring dogs runnning for food, we can give growth models a whirl.  Now we have at least three ways to bend  difficult  meanings and understanding.  Is there more than three ways to consider the same actions by the same person when they are seeking peace and joy…. Well yes… and so the next post will shine a light. On that.  

A new perspective on what turns your crank

 MACHINE HEAD==IT’S MORE THAN A ROCK SONG

The previous entry featured “typing—that is our tendency to understand  a lot of the world by putting supposedly square pegs and people into square holes (have you ever seen a cubicle?).  Of course, we like to hang out with some folks who understand us and it is pretty reasonable to connect with folks who have similar values because you don’t want to spend your life arguing for very little reason….and if you do become a US Senator or a slave to social media sites…. Anyway that entry was about “types” and the primary drawback is that a person has a lot of traits or characteristics  so shoving them into a limited box means their experiences are bound to leak  out of the box (and you don’t want leaking outside the box when you are supposed to be thinking there.   

Well this post says here’s a different way. Of loooking at human and the things they do.  Oh and it is pretty popular these days too. Let’s go there now.

So… if your car breaks down or your toilet  overflows you can be in deep sh** in a hurry and these things get fixed because the person who knows how to do that  understands that  object to be fixed is a “machine”. Since it’s a machine you can figure out each part and what it does and then replace or change—somehow manipulate  one variable and make the result you want happen.  Lest we don’t believe this happens with people …some experiences can be offered here.  In recent years “politicians” have done their best to manipulate fear so that they could get people to exhibit  specific behaviors in voting, in health care, in the treatment of their fellow human beings.  Psychology  has turned to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques  to direct folks. To manipulate the original meanings they assign to experiences so that  it changes the action outcome.  This is the same as depositing a new gear into the thought/emotion emotion machine.  One might think of meditation as stopping the machine altogether for long enough  to smell the flowers that are getting choked out by the exhaust  spewed forth  by the money machine.  

The point here is that  there is a lot of “If I can get people to do A and b they will do C because that’s how the human machine works.  

So in seeking race and joy sometimes folks just keep changing one  part of their life to see if peace and joy or financial riches or security  becomes the outcome… Now does seeking probably. Require. Change and experimenting?  Probably… yet maybe the flags come up when we assume  causation vs. correlation becaus e that gives us control over the machine.  We want to push the handle and hear the flushing sound.  We want to put a handful of quarters. In and see the laundry tumble… Does it work that way for everyone in all situations…. Hmmmm?  

All we are asking here is …. Can we take a second to pull our internal thoughts  and build some different life experience meanings…. Maybe life isn’t a grandfather clock so much as it is human (sp) Chenga?

So here’s where we stand at the end of this post…. 

You can think of people as “types” and you can think. Of us as robots… Doing so has some utility… yet one might  ask “aren’t there other ways of looking at the world/“. Well of course… and the next post will sure  shine some light on that, water that,  and see what happens…. 

Just not my type

 TYPECASTIG SO TO SPEAK

So you get the courage or have the good fortune to be in a new town and you are hungry .  You ask your phone to find “food  near you.”  Then  you see a sign on a fairly modern looking brick and glass building on a entry road to your right.  The name  on the sign is Tom’s Restaurant.  What question comes to mind besides who the heck is Tom?  A real good guess is  “what TYPE of food do they serve?”  It doesn’t probably  matter if you like all kinds of foods or if you  don’t have a burning preference  right then you are still going to wonder… however  let’s stop a second.  What makes dining out  a memorable experience or an enjoyable  experience?  How about the kindness and attention. Demonstrated by the  staff?   Oh and what about the overall cleanliness?  How about the decor  like the pictures of the pickle princess from 1972?  How about the variety of seating options?  All of these. Things impact the experience and yet we as in I go immediately to the type of food in my mind….

It seems these days we have started to  really see people as restaurants, movies, and music asking what type of people you are and then  only alllowing a limited menu (get the restaurant connection?)  to choose from.  We do it with  race, ethnicity, gender, sex, faith, physical and cognitive traits and abilities.  We do it with the location where people live and have lived, how  they say the word dog and the list goes on.  Like Tom’s  it seems in seeking peace and joy we could be selling ourselves short by only connecting  with folks based on the type of food  we assume is on the menu based upon  a label.  You see, forced to “type” myself I might claim to be a moderate extremist fiercely interdependentZen Catholicliberal social  conservative philosopher.

Now there are folks who would promote the notion that they want to hang with people  like themselves…. Well fair enough as long as those folks get to make the decision about who they are like and don’t  get paralyzed by the trap of constant comparisons  that are dead set on exclusion.  

The typing  pendulum has swung pretty far because  we have been selling fear like toilet paper in the pandemic  lately and we see safety in numbers.   IYet, I can’t help but wondder. If there aren’t some other ways  to find our “tribes” that don’t require  typing that seems static and permanent?  The next few blogs  will suggest  some ideas for widening the road. We travel down a bit…. You know  let us consider some other ways in which we can seek peace and joy and understand each other.   

I will offer  one caveat when it comes to “typing” and when it has been helpful….

Around about 1901 Karl Landsteiner figured out that people  have Type  A, B, and C (that became  O)  and some other folks added RH  a little later…yes in typing blood we have been able to save  a lot of folks by making it possible for one  person to help a lot of others… Oh when we use type” to help each other  maybe it’s  a pretty  useful concept?  

And speaking of blood, I’m lucky enough to get some health assistance by having routine. Blood draws and one is coming this morning …. I get to fill up 7 of those little viles and  I’m going for my personal best of  being able to  do it in less than three minutes….  New Olympic sport?  

More  tomorrow think tick tock….

Listen in a hurry

 JUST A SECOND…. 

“Extra Life” a recent book by Steven Johnson illustrates  how world-wide  life expectancy has doubled over the last century.  So … in seeking peace and joy terms it would seem. We ll have at least a moment or two  for taking  a second to respond rather than react.  If we find it difficult  to slow down then  how about we wrap our head around the  concept of  being in a hurry to listen?  If not that, then at least we might unload our verbal cannons until we make certain we aim at the right targets.  These are the thoughts behind the “Eight  Line Rhyme.Time  below.

Be you in a group or here alone

If common sense. Has somewhat flown

This rhyme will toss you all a bone

Say something  that should be widely known

While quick you’re tempted  to share  a groan

Resist. The whine and mute the moan

Remember. Not to hurl a stone 

For it’s glass houses we that you may own

Breathe First

FIll in the…

 DON’T FILL IN THE ….

Think outside the ….

Would  you like paper. Or ….

It’s not black or ….

Okay we’ll come back to this in a bit.

B.B. King and a bunch of other musicians  have said  it’s not just the notes, it’s the spaces in between.  Well maybe so and yet when  you or I tell someone “how a song goes” we rarely say it has this piano part and then it’s silent for  a third of a second—now do we?  Well stop and think about it what would music be without the silent spaces? Well it would be a long tone that varied some in frequency but there would be no rhythm or tempo.  

Now let’s take a trip. Into  the woods or into my side yard where it’s often relaxing and rewarding to build a small  or (sometimes  large dangerous)  fire.  How do you get the best fires going?  So you start with small dry stuff and then go a little larger and a little harder  as the fire gets  going.  However. Do you just throw all this stuff into a pile or a stack?  No you angle things and lean things till you have sort of a triangle or tepee shaped pile.  Why?  Because the fire needs the space to breathe or get air/oxygen.  It short, the fire needs the space in between.  

Now let’s go back to. The top…. 

How quickly  did your mind complete these phrases?  

What if  your dentist says  “these teeth will probably fall out  next  week  and that’s what kid’s teeth do .  Would you like me to fix the cavities in them?”  Now finish the phrase “don’t fill in the ….” 

What  if you found yourself  in what you thought was an empty swimming pool and you were just floating  around wondering what you might want for lunch when you noticed a menacing fin circling  about thirty  feet away wouldn’t your mind tell you think outside the pool?

In a game of rock paper  or scissors  where someone  shows  rock would you like paper or….—you get the point  yet?  

How you Have to fill in the empty space  or even if you have to fill it in is not black or….

Maybe  seeking peace and joy includes  moments of silence, moments where we don’t rush to fill in blanks, moments when we allow others to think before responding.  We don’t have to hit the thumb  immediately or hit reply less than a minute after getting that message.  Our minds are wonderful idea generating machines when we give them a moment to gain speed on the runway and take off and when we don’t  we might just be driving planes around the airport.  Well… I have about another 20 seconds worth of content for you to rad… but given why I have to say and what. You might do with the  space…. I think I owe you the …..

MILESTONES AND MEMORIES

 THIS IS POST 500 FOR THS BLOG….

What were the odds we would have gotten this fr….. and what are the odds  500 more will be inspired into existence?  

Well obviously  the odds of getting there are pretty darn good and the odds of getting 500 more are  absolutely horrible.  Am I  tired? No…Am I sick of writing? No.  Have I learned everything  I need in the process of seeking peace and joy—hell  no! Yet I’m absolutely certain  I won’t write 500 more…I. May however  write 1 500 times…. You see I never had a schedule for these and I only write when the inspiration is ready to flow.  

And that inspiration  is here again today… Yet before I satisfy that calling I must pause a second to say thank to everyone who has ever stumbled across this and  to all those  who stumble through intentionally.  I generally such at gratitude, yet please know you are all beautiful spirits to share with and I intend to keep stumbling forward with you all.  Thanks

FLIP A COIN

Today the college football season roars into full swing.  I’ve been to a few and some of them have been at night.  There is little as interesting as watching  with 70,000 of your close friends and it’s a lot like writing this…rising  to engage in something. With 20,000 plus reads….  And it begins with an action that can go either way… a coin flip… like most of life…something  less than controllable happens and then it’s 

Game  on!

WELL  HAVING SAID THAT 

One of the games I play with thoughts that inspire me is a rhyming  game and so post 500  has to mirror  college football with a bit of peace and joy symbolism mixed in…

Love. You. All (some more than others…but all just enough)

I hope!

We stand there pensive in the dark

The warriors clap and then embark

The grass is greener than a park

Then the call comes. Like a bark

The lines explode as from a spark

All our senses then scream hark!

The spiral ghosts the arrow’s arc

The crowd erupts it hits its mark

FOOTBALL NIGHT IN AMERICA

Seeking peace and joy is the excitement of the moments when  the ball is in the air… because life is hanging in the balance with all we experience and  our opportunities to create and share meanings…

Go Hawks!

So you think you are afraid of change? Think again

 AN UPDATE  IS NOW AVAILABLE

SO So for the last week or so each time this phone has been plugged in overnight, I awake with the message that an update has been downloaded and is now available…. Install Now?  Well for various insignificant reasons I avoid installing updates out of fear that this time…this time… the adjustments needed will not bring my phone back to the place where I feel. Most comfortable.  So I’m wondering  how much time we spend (by we I mean I) in a given state worrying about why the future state will bring and not really grasping the reality that we are choosing our anxiety?  What?

Well as a friend reminded me today… we expect change in some aspects of our life and resist in others and we often do this based upon fairly shaky assumptions that we somehow hide in oblivion.  

Let’s  take change… which is another word for “update.” How would  we be feeling if there were no expectation of updates in medical care?  Would we like to go to the barber shop for dentistry and would we love to have serious discussions regarding the length of time we would like to experience blood letting?   Oh and what would the reaction be if Ford  and Chevy came out and said their entire line of trucks and cars were going  to revert back to the exact  specs of those vehicles that rolled off the line in 1943?—No air— no Fm  radio—terrible gas mileage—less than optimal steering and brakes?  Oh and what if the best computer we could get at home was a commodore  64?  

Going even further … what if children all the sudden stopped growing physically  and cognitively at the age of 8 or 10?  

You see in very real ways we expect and want growth and change and one might go as far as saying demand  it.  The  “norm” is an expectation of change and growth. In fact, in some ways  fear is generated when  growth and change doesn’t happen.  So what does it mean when we fear when change  happens and fear when it doesn’t?  So maybe what we fear is not change, however that fear is all about fear of making choices and taking responsibility?  Maybe seeking peace and joy is  a process of accepting uncertain results of certain change and understanding  the human experience will not include controlling  neither the process nor outcomes that reflects our experiences and the ways we bring meaning to them.  In short I thin there re days when I don’t recognized choice and the time for it.  

Anyway I know this a “deep” entry and I imagine it has something to do with  this being post 499  on this blog and I’ve been thinking. About post 500 and the importance it has for me.  500 means  I’m choosing to act on my urges that i name. As inspiration.  Well that’s the topic for entry 500 so I won’t. Go there…. However I will go  to a place where writing these often takes me and that is crafting  song lyrics.   And while I’ve shared. Some of these  lyrics in the past this song has come to rest and I’ll wrap up this post with  the “completed set” of lyrics to that song.  

It’s about choosing …

You’ve got to have you some adventures before your story’s told

Learn  to play old maid before you get too old

You’ve got to win at some gin rummy with or without  gin

Doesn’t matter where. You’re headed  you are learning to begin..

Right here right now—somewhere  some how

You’ve got to learn  how to laugh with a tear drop in your eye

Learn how to admit. What some folks might deny

Learn to love me forgive without knowing why

Then you. Can fall from grace and still dare. To fly

You  know that there’ll be waiting  all along the way

Patience  gets frustrating  but it’s just the price you pay

You gotta step up to the the shell of fate and give it a big spin

As you  can’t know where you’re going but  you’ve learned where. You begin ..

Right here  right now

Somewhere some how..

You learn how to laugh  with a tear drop in your eye

Get strong enough to admit what others  might deny

You find out how to love and forgive  without knowing  why

And you can almost fall from grace  

And still dare to fly

You’ll come to crash through the glass ceiling that other folks can’t see

You’ll keep on believing it the best. That folks  can be

You will stumble forward. Get up time and time again

Toward every place you’re going. No matter where you’ve been…because 

You’re living …

Right. Here …right now … it’s real  some how

You’ve learned how to laugh with a tear drop in your eye

Strong enough to admit what  others may deny

You’ve lerned to love and forgive with no fear of why…

You can fall from grace and still dare…can fall from grace…. Nd still dare to fly……